Understanding Myself

First of all, a well-needed update

Holy hell, I’ve not updated my blog in ages – so much so that I started sneezing the moment I logged on here.

You can accuse me of being lazy, and you’d be partly right. You see, I started this blog because my mom’s friend told me I should, so I did. No real motivation or purpose – it was just for fun, hence why I only post here once a blue moon.

Anyway, just a short update – college stuff, fitted MINES Hi-Lo adjustable coilovers and a straight pipe replacing the muffler (it was fun at first, but after a while I start to regret it) to my Wira, went to an orphanage with a group of friends at USJ 1 to film a video about orphans and volunteered in a CSR Project by FedEx at Puchong.

There you go. The updates done and dusted.

Now, to the main story

One thing I've always struggled growing up is trying to be accepted in society. If anything, I tried too hard to be cool, to be funny. Basically speaking, I tried too hard to be everything that everyone likes - you know, like a cool kid.

The end results? From Standard 1 all the way to Year 11 and my first year of college, I wasn't what I aimed to be: instead, I was a weirdo. I did things that - to quote my dad directly - "no one else does. Only I would" and more often than not, it got me into trouble. Lots of trouble.

I didn't understand. I felt normal. All along, I've always viewed things from MY perspective. I didn't take anyone else's feelings into account. It wasn't until recently when I realised that I wasn't a normal person.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) at the age of two. I didn't put too much thought into it when I first found out and didn't bother because I was told "it made me superior than the others" and "it has disappeared" stuff like that.

But I stepped into 2018 feeling lonely, and it became more and more amplified. I can’t help but wonder why no one wants to be close to me – or so I felt. I got depressed so many times on that basis and how much I felt like a complete piece of shit in comparison to not just other people my age, but to my brother as well.

I was also always scared to open up to anyone - including my parents and relatives - about my problems in fear that they wouldn't get it, or they'd attack me even further and use it against me.

My dad admitted that this is partially his fault that this is happening to me. He believed, had he not got into this mess, he would've been able to afford me a better car that can take me anywhere in Malaysia reliably as my Wira is nothing but a ticking time-bomb. To be honest, though, I doubt that it'll make a difference to my mental health. Not significantly, at least. If anything, seeing him stressed out with life problems and work-related issues hurt me, especially the fact I can’t do anything much to help him. I’ll just have to excel in life so that he gets to see his hard work pay off.

Truth is, I blame no one for this. It's just some defect I was born with - much like being born with a missing limb - and will forever be a part of me. All these people I have around me - my family, friends and best friend - can only do so much to support me. It is entirely up to me to adapt and live with it as it will forever be a part of me.

I am now beginning to understand myself even more. As much as I’ve denied it in the past, there’s no escaping the fact that I was never a normal person. I did and say things – even to this day – that I will question not just hours or days later, but a decade later as well. I don’t listen to the kind of music that 99% of people my age listens to. I barely keep up with the latest celebrity gossips, trends or any kind of fandom, movies and so on. Is it a shame? At this point, I don’t think so. It’s just part of nature. I’ll just have to live life, one way or another, whether I like it or not.

Ever since then, I often wonder what goes in the mind of a normal person.  Maybe they have a completely different perspective? I don’t know. But I am certainly intrigued.

I don't expect any form of sympathy, but I certainly appreciate it if you understand why I am the person I am. Anyhow, thank you for reading this. I'm not sure if it will help anyone but I do have to let this out as it is a part of me and I can't hide it forever.